Ranking the Hellraiser Cenobites by Bangability

Hello fellow perverts! Your head deviant is back with another ranked list of debauchery! We haven’t done one of these in a swingin’ Hog’s Age, so I decided to take a break from writing my foot-fetish themed parody script - “Nightmare on Elm Feet” - to bring you a fun little dose of carnal cataloging. Just the tip to wet your willy!

In the past we’ve ranked the Sexiest Portrayals of Nosferatu, the Most Suckable Freddy Fingers, and the Stages of Brundle’s Fly Transformation that get us the Horniest. But today we’ll focus our gaze on another dimension. One of pure pleasure and pain. I have such sights to show you!

Now, without further ado, here are the Cenobites ranked by bangability, from least bangable to I’LL TEAR MY SKIN OFF IF I CAN HAVE IT RIGHT NOW!

13) Barbie

No thank you! This guys metal wire accoutrements make us feel like he doesn’t want anyone close to him. And if anything is sexy, it’s consent. We want our lovers to want to get weird with us, and this guy is just putting out too many warning signs. I mean, barbed wire? Come on! Wait a minute… I just realized where he got his name. Clever!

12) Dreamer

Sorry honey, but nothing is less sexy than smoking. Look, we are just here to get stabbed by hooks, flayed alive, and maybe get a little action. We don’t want to get lung cancer!

11) Torso

This is tricky! He’s a half man but the half we do see looks promising! Does he have the goods, though? Or was that part left on the cutting room floor, so to speak? Well, better safe than sorry. We’ll have to keep him down here for now until more info is available.

10) Angelieque

No thank you! We can find this girl as the villain in any Marvel flick! We want demonic cenobites not comic book knockoffs in tight leather. Let’s keep it classy, folks.

9) Little Sister

She’s cute, but we like to stare into someone’s eyes during coitus so she loses a point for that. We definitely wouldn’t kick her out of bed, but overall she’s more the cenobite-next-door than the cenobite-sexpot we are looking for.

8) Chatterer

What can that mouth do? We don’t know about this one. No eyes, no lips, all teeth. Doesn’t sound like a great recipe for love, but hey, we are curious sometimes. Wouldn’t say no if it was offered!

7) Camerahead

He likes to watch! He’s also got a sort of Christopher Lloyd thing going on which we dig. Lots of slits on his torso, too, which gives us…. evil ideas. But maybe he’ll have more fun on the sidelines, recording our courtships for future gratification. We’ll keep him in the middle, but we would be happy to include him in any other cenobite session. His film would make a good keepsake! If we survive!

6) The Doctor

The Doctor hasn’t been a cenobite for very long, so the air of humanity still pervades his flesh. That makes him less enticing. But he does have a weird tentacle holding onto his head and moving him around. That could lead to some interesting positions! It’s like the ultimate fleshy sex-swing! For that reason and that alone he’s solidly in the middle of this list.

5) Open/Deep Throat

Calm down everyone! It’s just her name, you perverts. She’s definitely got a throat thing going on, though, which could be cool. More noticeable though is her penchant for piercings. She’s got some gnarly ones, and honestly, it gives her kind of a freak vibe. We think she’d be up for anything, which definitely moves her up on this list.

4) Pistonhead

This guy gets our motor running for sure! Look at that tongue! Look at that headgear! Love the chains, too. They hang well on that muscular torso. We would have some fun with him. VROOOM!

3) CD

If he got some smooth jazz on that CD, we would definitely be down to clown with this guy. Not only is he fit as hell, but look at the size of that mouth! *drool*

2) Pinhead

The grand-daddy of them all! Can we just call him “Daddy”? Leather Daddy? Daddy pin head? Do you have any other stiff protrusions, Leather Daddy Pin Head? He probably won’t be gentle, but that’s okay. That’s how we like it with him. He deserves this space on this list for being a straight up dom of the highest order.

1) Butterball

How can it not be this sexy glob of fat? Don’t you just want to cuddle up to him and slide your naked body all over his bulk? He’s pre-lubed! Who knows what might enter what! This guy just exudes pure sex, and there is definitely a lot of him to love! We would solve the Lament Configuration in a heartbeat just to have a chance at one night with Butterball.

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That’s it folks! I’m going back to the foot-fetish world now, but I’ll pop back up (shwing!) in a bit for more ribald rankings and other freaks-only content! Until next time, fellow perverts, live the dream!